I don't know

Just found this while going through some old pictures: it's from a form we were asked to fill out for the county while Thing 3 was in therapy a few years ago. On the one hand, I suppose not knowing your child's gender might well explain why said child needs therapy. On the other hand, I am sure this is proof the end truly is nigh.

I am not afraid of God

Comments from Mrs. Curmudgeon about my character and from a colleague about a post I wrote on suicidal ideation have conspired to remind me of 1 John 4:18: "There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear. For fear has to do with punishment, and whoever fears has not been perfected in love." The Gospel tells me that God loves me in Christ. I believe that. Therefore I am not afraid of God.

"For I am sure that neither death nor life, nor angels nor rulers, nor things present nor things to come, nor powers, nor height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord." (Romans 8:38-39) Nothing. Not even depression, not even suicide.

So how does Christ's love keep me from killing myself? "For the love of Christ compels us, because we judge thus: that if One died for all, then all died; and He died for all, that those who live should live no longer for themselves, but for Him who died for them and rose again." (2 Corinthians 5:14-15) I live for Christ, not for myself. I know he wants me to live to serve others, and not myself. I know he wants me to live. So I live.

I am not afraid of God. That's the point of Christ's work on the Cross: God's unaccountable, prodigal love for his people. That's why angels keep saying, "Fear not."

Why are pastors committing suicide?

So when you come out as occasionally depressed and suicidal, you get sent links to articles. "Why Pastors Are Committing Suicide" doesn't actually tell us why pastors are committing suicide; it doesn't even have any data on whether pastors are committing suicide (other than anecdotes). There is a wee bit of data: 23% of surveyed pastors report self-diagnosing with a mental health problem, and 12% obtain an actual diagnosis.

That leaves me wondering whether pastors are committing suicide at any notable clip. I checked with the Google and found no empirically useful data, so, by modern standards, that means there is none. I can believe, however, that many pastors, particularly in evangelical Churches, suffer from depression. From the above-linked article:

Knowing someone to reach out to is vital, since most pastors feel they can’t tell their congregations about their mental health struggles. They’re afraid of losing their jobs, not being a good role model, or being inappropriately transparent.

Those are also reasons why pastors suffer from depression. It's not simply that the workload is nuts: you also have to do it all with a smile.

A few years back I was picking up a prescription from the pharmacy while bearing under a perpetual headache which felt like termites eating away at my skull from the inside. (If I remember correctly, it had been going on for about four months.) After the clerk asked me what I did for a living, she said, "Well, smile, pastor!"

Thankfully, the unendurable pain prevented me from gathering the wherewithal to strangle her.

Call me overly sensitive, but I tend to think that people who are not allowed to be normal human beings might occasionally get depressed that they are not allowed to act like normal human beings.